We are very good at preparing to live, but not very good at living. We know how to sacrifice ten years for a diploma, and we are willing to work very hard to get a job, a car, a house, and so on. But we have difficulty remembering that we are alive in the present moment, the only moment there is for us to be alive.
Thich Nhat Hanh
There is no better time than now. I used to fear turning 30, but when I woke up this morning I felt grateful. I made the decision to be in the present moment today and it was genuinely one of the best days I have enjoyed in a while.
As I get older, I prefer to have low-key birthdays; some time for deep meaningful conversations and reflections fulfill me.
Unfortunately, 2022 has been another hard year for my family. Last year was my mother’s health and this year was my dad’s health. I have learned from all of this that life is unpredictable and no matter how much you prepare, there will be unforeseen surprises. I helped my dad return from a skilled nursing facility to his home last night due to a stroke that occurred two months ago. The primer with my mom’s health helped me navigate this event. It’s not over any time soon, but I am aware of how to establish healthy boundaries. My dad and I have a complex relationship due to my parent’s divorce when I was two years old. My only real memories of him growing up was getting together during birthdays and holidays to eat and exchange gifts. Then there was a period of time when I was older (college through medical school), where I did not have contact with him at all. When my mom was afflicted with her health condition, I remember coming home one day to find him there out of nowhere. Turns out my mom had reached out to him. He showed up to our house more and it became a welcome presence as my mom was dealing with her health condition. As the transitions occurred with my mom’s living situation in 2021, we still kept in contact but less frequently. He would stop by to bring over food from his restaurant at times. Despite our relationship being complex, his life was complex. As someone I had talked with at the hospital put it, “he didn’t plan for his future.” It was my birthday and he didn’t even wish me a happy birthday.
My day started out with an appointment at the Apple Store because my apple watch stopped working two weeks ago. Before Rohit left for his EM conference, he surprised me with a new series 8 apple watch (I was on series 3). I kept the appointment so I can ask if there was any remedy to the problem (nope) and to exchange the band. I ended up going with a white Nike band that’s breathable for running. While at the Apple Store, I sat near a woman that was upgrading her iphone 6 because apple was discontinuing the software on that version. She was waiting for her data transfer. I listened to her as she told me about her brief life story. I haven’t had a deep conversation with a stranger in a long time and it helped me live in the present moment.
Adam called me for my birthday. We talked for a couple minutes and made plans for a birthday date on Monday. Afterwards, I met up with Amir for lunch and to catch up. We had Brassica and got to redeem my birthday drink at Starbucks. We had really nice conversations as always. A topic that I very much enjoyed was our baseline gratefulness to be able to wake up every day and do what we do as resident physicians. We attribute this to our humble beginnings and upbringing. We have that amazement that we can’t believe we are where we are now, something we’ve dreamed of and worked towards for half of our lives. This baseline gratitude keeps us grounded and also inspires us to do more. After, I went to costco to buy groceries and filled up on costco gas for the first time — I am now a believer. I didn’t know what I was missing out on! I came home, showered, and did a Fitness+ workout for the first time. The workout app is so cool!
This upcoming week, I took my first vacation week of third year. It was poor timing because we are in GI block and Dr. Hanje is giving two hepatology lectures and I was scheduled for hepatology clinic this Thursday. Being the nerd that I am/FOMO on a topic I am passionate about, I am going back to work to go to the lectures and staff hepatology clinic. While there, I hope to get work done on research also. Next weekend will be fun as Rohit and I are going to Helen’s wedding. Work hard, play hard.
Let’s reflect on my 30 Before 30 Bucket List:
- Remind myself to be present prior to hanging out with someone. Slow down and cherish the moments – Yes for the most part.
- Vacation in a new country – Not yet. Hopefully in the next 5 years.
- Practice more gratitude – Yes, always. I really think this is the key to life, happiness, and fulfillment.
- Spread light and positivity – I hope I do in all my interactions.
- Practice more vulnerability. Reach out to people and build deeper relationships – Always a work in progress. I am not afraid to be vulnerable and hope to inspire others to be the same.
- Hike at a National Park – Yes! Cuyahoga Falls National Park, the only national park in Ohio haha and Smokey Mountains. My goal is to venture to all of the National Parks in my lifetime.
- Read a paperback book – Yes. I read Rohit’s book that he got from his residency called “Happiness: the art of living with peace, confidence, and joy”. I got back into renting audiobooks on Libby. I am reading Where the Crawdads Sing, Thinking Fast and Slow and books by Colleen Hoover. Our residency is starting a book club this year, so I am excited to read more.
- Go on a road trip – Yes, went to Smokey Mountains/Gatlinburg in TN and Chicago for a conference.
- Try a new form of exercise – Really got into dancing as a form of workout especially hip hop dance.
- Journal / bullet journal – Yes, have been keeping up. I am using a hybrid paper and electronic method of events keeping and journaling.
- Cook more and explore new recipes – Yes, always a work in progress. I started cooking Asian veggies on my own. Rohit bought an Anova oven which comes with an app of recipes, so we have cooked more with it.
- Take a dance class – Didn’t actually go somewhere to take a class, but I watch YouTube videos and recently tried the Fitness+ app and loved it! I am so excited for the next dance workout that I will be doing tonight.
- Meditate daily – Wording could be better on this one, perhaps mindfulness. Didn’t meditate every day, but rather a mindfulness mentality. When I was picking up my dad from SNF, I was there for about 2.5 hours as the staff wasn’t aware he was being discharged, short on staff, new staff working unfamiliar with protocol, and didn’t have his discharge medications ready. I was never impatient, annoyed or angry. I genuinely felt for them. The new staff member explained to me that “healthcare is really bad right now.” She just started doing agency (private work and not taxed) and still works a couple days of the week at NCH. Agency is better but the places can be really difficult. She told me to not come to this SNF. She and the nurse remarked to me, “you have been so patient. I would not have been able to do that. What is your secret? Meditation?” I said “More mindfulness.” I didn’t mention I was also in healthcare, but that definitely gives me a perspective on their line of work and patience with the process.
- Complete a research project – Work in progress. I have continued to do case reports, but it’s important for me to start and have a finished product for a longitudinal research project. I hope to solidify the plan and protocol for such project this upcoming week.
- Visit a friend in another state – Most of my friends are in Columbus. Rohit and I visited his friend from medical school while in Chicago.
- Run a race (marathon, duathlon, 5k) – 5k! My residency started a running group this year and I am excited to do more with them. I invited everyone to a free Octoberfest 5k on Friday at CRC Dublin. It was a lot of fun. I hope to get back into running longer distances next year.
- Do something that scares you – Hmm… probably the solo road trip to Smokey Mountains.
- Instead of anger, pray for that person or situation – Yes, work in progress.
- Learn about personal finance – Yes, slowly. I listen to finance podcasts and read online articles. Work in progress.
- Perform random acts of kindness – Yes, I try to routinely let people in during traffic, open doors.
- Connect with nature (camp, canoe, kayak, hike, swim in the ocean) – Yes to kayaking and hiking. Here’s to more in the near future!
- Create a YouTube video – Haha yes technically I have made one YouTube video during COVID times as an intro to a channel I wanted to create about maintaining holistic health during residency inspired from my HEART-IM elective. It was difficult to keep up with during residency but still very interested in this line of work. I am on our residency’s wellness committee and may be able to channel some of my ideas into there.
- Continue to become a whole person to find the wholeness in others. Relationships are about building each other up – Yesss.
- Use love as your guiding principle – Yes, work in progress.
- Trust in God’s plan – Yes, always do.
- Create a TikTok video – Yes haha with Adam at Cuyahoga Falls National Park.
- Catch a sunrise and sunset – Haven’t truly dedicated time to do this so will be keeping on my bucket list. Magical time to live in the present moment.
- Live in wonder for the little things in life – Yes, another key to life, happiness, and fulfillment.
- Forgive yourself each night and recommit each morning – I wanted to make this a part of my night time routine. Have thought about stacking this with showering, imagining the water washing off as forgiving yourself each night and then waking up to a new day to recommit.
- Be kinder to yourself and to others – Yesss.
Crazy to think this is 1/3 of life and this next decade may be full of life milestones, such as getting an attending job, getting married, buying a house, having kids. There was a quote I had posted in 2021 “sometimes it takes 10 years to get to that one year that will change your life.” Reflecting back, it’s so crazy to think so much happened in my 20’s. Graduated from college, first long-term relationship and break-up, studied abroad in Panama and India, learned a new sport and competed in jump-roping at the Arnold Sports Festival, served for one year in AmeriCorps, lived away from Columbus for one year, accepted to medical school, ran three marathons, COVID pandemic, graduated from medical school, matched into residency, cared for my mom’s health, sold a house, moved into my own apartment, independence, met my significant other, developed my interest in GI/hepatology, podium presentation at a national ACP conference, cared for my dad’s health, now in my third and last year of residency.
To say the least, I am grateful. Despite the hardships, I am here and a better person than before. I am a firm believer of anti-fragility, the principle that you can use hardship to make you stronger and more wise (compared to resilience where you are knocked down and get back up). I look at the positives in all situations and this helps to frame my perspective that we can learn from any and all situations and build towards a brighter future.
Here’s to this next decade filled with new adventures, meaningful relationships, love, joy, wisdom, and inner peace.
Ghrellen 